Rule 1: Never under any circumstances tell the truth (lyrics or everyday life)
Rule 2: Even though you still live off money from your dad and nan (hold tight nanny nell and her primark joggers she buys you) never be humble or thank anyone for helping you out. Don't want people to actually like you, cos if they respect you then thats a battyman flex, surely.
Rule 3: When you are fresh of the new titled mc boat and some stupid silly promoter (they must be stupid to book you) asked you to jump on the mic at their night or do a p.a etc always ask for no less than 8 bills. Come on a super star big man like yourself should never leave his house (your mums house) for less than a G but hey you're doing him a favor for being so amazing, right!? I mean how many raves/nights/birthday parties that your aunty held have you been booked for in the last year and got paid? oh 2? wow... yeah you're a big man.
Rule 4: Do a Crep Check for Grimedaily.com and make sure to neatly write prada in crayons on your £3 canvas shoes so no 1 clocks the reality of your budget or just do what everyone else does: go out that day and buy new 'exclusive' to JD creps, go on while licking your lips that you just threw them on and didn't even clock you was meeting with posty. Hold the receipt tightly in your hand, so one doesn't misplace or lose it, then as soon as they're out of sight run back to the store and get a refund.
Rule 5: When a Journalistic, blogger or anyone with a pen and paper asks you - (by the way don't send any music out! are you silly? people might actually like it and want to help you by letting people know how good it is.) to send them a copy to review for their magazine etc... send them a link to rhythm division's website. True Stories.
Rule 6: The interview. Don't worry I don't mean job interview, the job center ain't clocked on about your bad football injury that never happened so you'll still be getting that £60 every fortnight for your crack. Lemon. Peanuts. or whatever you choose to roll up these days.Make sure you use as much slang as possible so that the journalist hasn't got a clue what you're talking about. This way when they try and transcribe they even A) Give up B) If readers try and cuss you at least you can point the finger at the writer and say 'Boiii it was all that pricks fault who don't know about road life and road words get me' .
Who are you and what do you do?
Man's been working mad hard in the studio ya nah. like every single second of the last hour I've been grafting. That's why i've released so many tunes ie: 3/4 full tracks cos mans been grafting out here for decades on this music ting. I just linked up with my boy smokey bars and laid down one hot f64. no lies cuz. It took me 4weeks to write them bars and all my fans are so proud of me. well my deaf aunty and my cousin paul who got 5stars last week on his spelling test. big up my elder right der. They been refreshing the youtube page for the last week now and it's hit over 5,000 plays so of course me ah gangstah out here ya hear. Platinum boom bam.
What have you got in the pipeline that we should look out for?
Of course badman's got a new tune out called My nan feeds,baths and fills my wallet for me with her pension that's the next single, kah even doe there hasn't even been a first single this one is going to be the start of my chart success. I've been doing grime for years but obviously man wants to get signed so man is going to jump on a funky/electro/sweetboy tune and soft out my lyrics a lickle it doesn't matter dat I have made a whole fanbase of music buyers and lovers who like what I do now but I want that paper. Then when I get dropped everyone better still like me otherwise I'm fucked. true kano stories. Rock'n'Roll more like go to your home sweet home and lock yourself in there. safe.
Rule 7: Even though you haven't released anything, well you did ask Logan, Spyro and Mista Jam on twitter for their email address and sent them that half arsed freestyle where your mum made a special feature shouting about how your din din's was ready but they never got back to you. You need to have your own T-Shirts saying a pathetic or random phrase that has something to do with one of your lyrics. For Idea's sake my biggest bar that get's reloaded on the biggest set of all time ie: in my bedroom on a tuesday night:
"I'm a badman but this ain't no flick ! i'll stab you in your eye with my blue ball point bic...Yeah I'm a bad chick, but I ain't Janine Butcher, Pauline or Ian Beale - but ill slap ur girlfriend up with my 2 hands, grant and phil..."
These are clearly chart material we're working with so I have to have my own fashion line and have every badman on road and on the scene wearing it.
Make sure you get the top guys repping your positive message.
Rule 8: Make a music video. If you haven't got the funds in your piggy try and hustle money out of everyone and anyone. Even established clothing lines who don't know who you're and boom bam ask them for £2000 on the spot. might as well ey. You're a super waste cadet. You can't drive, you can't afford a bus pass, you steal your nan's mobility scouter to pick up the daily mail for your racist next door neighbour for pocket money. You're 21+. Times are good for you. Make sure your acting skills are on. Swag is correct ie: uncle has got them knock off Gucci hats, bandanas and belts for you and your whole 'crew'. Boom. Get all the slags from your estate to pull away from their abortion schedules and drop by the shoot so it's not too much of a dick show.
Rule 9: To make it big time. Get Donatella from Grimedaily to go down and dirty. She'll make you feel extra skype special. I mean you might not be the first or last but hey for that 10minute slot you would feel so damn good about yourself. Being a badman gangstah mc you must expect girls to fall to their knees and if they don't then they were butterz anyway. or you could just... no no mercston naughty naughty.
Rule 10: When your cousin Wiley/Skepta/Ghetto/Tinchy/Jammer go to radio make sure you hide inside the boot of their car and sneak in. Plug in an extra mic into the decks and boom you're making it big time LIVE ON RADIO. While you're spitting them lyrics you and your friends wrote together about how many skets you bang. Text your girlfriend of 5 years and tell her you love her.....